Random thoughts

I just recently celebrated my boys birthdays. Coincidentally, little one's birthday is 2 1/2 weeks before big kid's. Hubby's is in between both. What a cruel joke, huh? All three a month or so after Christmas.  Life is funny.

I made it a point to involve big kid in the decorations and planning. He was totally excited. About a week before their birthday I was going through some bins and came across a scrapbook I started for big kid. We all sat down and looked over the pics. I had written a poem for big kid and had him read it out loud now that he's 8 and can read. Hubby and I began to get misty eyed (damn those contacts!).  To hear my personal poem to my first born read by him had me in tears.  I think he also understood how much we love him, even with a little brother now.  We don't love him any less.  I hope he really understood what those words meant.  Even though he's 8, he's developmentally delayed by about 2 years.  Blissful innocence.

I can't help but worry about him.  He's so sweet, young and naive. I love his angelic innocence. He doesn't know any better.  But unfortunately, life is not always so kind.  So I remind myself to let him enjoy his childhood. After all, kids grow so fast these days, childhood seems to be a mere 10 years before they start blossoming into young adults.

My mind tends to get the best of me.  I think about the future and what could happen if I don't teach my son to be aware, stand up for himself.  I get caught up in thoughts of kids being cruel and bullying him as he gets older.  He's a boy, he will experience things that I would never comprehend and that frightens me.  Mutha likes to be in control.  Alas, I cannot control nor protect him (to a degree).  I need him to grow up and be a good, God-loving man some day. Respectful, loving, caring, funny, compassionate. All the qualities he has now.  I pray that he continues to enjoy his childhood but learn to defend himself.

While most 8 year old boys are participating in sports (I'm jealous of "typical" kids sometimes) my son has very little interest. Not sure if he's even aware of his limitations. I am sometimes caught up in trying to raise him as a "normal" child but also feel that he should be aware of his differences.  I don't think he's mature enough yet to understand.  Since we've started running and participating in races, he has expressed wanting to run in the kids race. Just waiting for the weather to get better and let him see us race and watch the other kids.  I hope to inspire him.

See, we're caught in a rock and a hard place.  He's mobile and able to do most things typical kids can, but his gross motor skills limit him somewhat.  Do we have him participate in special needs sports where some kids maybe more physically challenged than him, or have other limitations? Will this scare him as he cannot relate? Will placing him in a mainstream program give him the motivation or will it make him realize that he's not as fast or as strong as the others? Sometimes it's frustrating.  Why can't he be either/or? Why live in the gray area in limbo? I've come to terms that it's not my place to continue to question, but to accept and adapt.  Maybe it's not me teaching a lesson, but the one being taught.